I recently got caught up in watching old video of the kids--Ashlyn mostly, because i was in the 2002 and early 2003 section of my archives. So many things struck me... how young i look (uh, no undereye bags?!), how GOOD ashlyn was, how porcelain-doll-like she looked, and how i can "feel" those times we captured. I can so remember being in most of those moments... I can feel the air in the house, and i am literally transported back. I can even remember what i was thinking in a lot of them. I remember those early days of just the two of us at home during the day with such sweetness--I remember wanting to capture ashlyn's little voice because i knew one day i'd forget the sound (as impossible as that seemed). But you know? I'm at that place. That place in the future where i knew i would be. I forgot. And i'm so grateful i have something that can remind me of those voices and sounds and i can see the waddle of those first few weeks of learning to walk. i can see it again. Experience it again. And boy, would i give absolutely anything to spend a day with her at that age. To touch those little curls at the base of her neck. To stroke her cheek and watch her discover everything around her. I'm pretty sure i spent most of those days in a fog and took it for granted...those early days are sleep deprived! And once we moved from that part, i became pregnant again. I mean...yeah. Fog :). Not that i didn't soak her in as it all happened...oh, because i did. But there is something about hindsight and watching them grow, that makes you want to *really* soak it all in and enjoy it. The stuff that used to drive me nuts (although, it was somewhat humorous)...like ashlyn taking everything out of my bottom kitchen cabinets to play with...pulling every toy off the shelves and throwing it onto the floor...huge disasters to pick up everyday... i just watch it on video with such awe and love. Watching her learn and develop in those early days--stepping stones on the way to becoming the beautiful, smart, witty and creative 10 year old she is today. A decade. A decade of watching her learn and develop....to watch her life unfold as no one else can. The tears are coming to me b/c i really just can't get over the complete honor of being her mother. Of being the one to teach, nurture, praise and help her along in life. Amazed that after 10 years of being her mom, i haven't screwed too much up. Humbled that she will hug and kiss me and ramble off 10 reasons why she loves me out of the blue. You just can't get any better than that as a parent.
i do believe she was about a month old in this photo below. She doesn't even seem like the same person! My little doll-baby and my young beauty :)
HERE is a whole slew of her "life in photos" that i posted last year if you wanted to see it again!